As I sit here, unable to sleep yet again, and talk to a friend on yahoo and think about the current state of my life... I'm realizing things I never knew about myself.
My husband and I haven't been "together" for a very long time. We've slept in the same bed, we've had sex, we've kissed... but we haven't been the couple we were. We don't talk, we don't communicate, we don't spend time together. We've been living two separate lives for quite some time, just living them side by side. I think this has been the root of our problems. And I think now that we've found out what the problem is we can begin taking steps to fix it and move on.
I've realized that I have been drama free for months, no big blowups... and I love it. It's nice to be free of the crap.
I've realized that I need more friends, and I'm ready to start making them. I've also realized that I have had the best friend I've so wanted my whole life for about 4 years now. He's disappeared now and then, but I'm very happy to have him in my life again. I missed him. And he really needs to stop this "disappear for a few months every once in a while" shit. Also, I hope that he and John can work out their differences and become friends.
I've also come to realize, that I have changed. I am not the same person I was three years ago. Neither is my husband. I've lost friends, learned lessons, grown up. I still have a lot of the same person in me... but I have changed. It's time to be true to myself. It's time to move on with my life and my relationship. My world has kind of stopped since deployment started. I've been in a rut... and I'm ready to get back on track. Start college, work on my marriage, fall in love with John all over again. I'm ready to start smiling again.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Hypothetical Questions & Day 316
Hypothetical questions. They're a bitch. I love when someone answers a hypothetical question with a "definite" answer. "If a man ever cheated on me, I'd leave." "I'd never help a family member who had a drug problem with their bills." blah blah blah. Etc etc.
Truth is, I used to be one of those people. I'd answer something because I flat out knew what I would do. You know what? That's crap. It's complete bullshit. You can't say what you would do unless you have been there or until you are there. You can say what you'd like to think you would do. But the truth is, your opinion doesn't mean shit when shit actually happens. So many women say, "If a man ever hit me I'd leave." But when he actually hits you, especially if you love him, you try to figure out why. You don't just pack your shit and go. Most people don't at least. They try to justify it. "Well I did raise my hand to him first, even if I didn't touch him." "Well, if he had said to me what I said to him, I would have hit him too." Etc. When you can justify something, or understand the place of the person, it's easier to accept that apology. Then your "I'd leave" statement becomes null and void.
That's just a hypothetical situation of course. But I'm in a real one. I'll spare the details instead of throwing a sob story on the internet for the world to see. But I'm at a crossroads. I'm to a point where I have to make a decision. And where I was so sure a few months ago that I knew the answer, now that I have to make a choice, I'm up shit creek without a paddle. I have no fucking clue what to do. I spoke to a friend tonight and her first words were, "I would personally (insert answer here)" and I had to laugh. It was the same answers I've always had. It's not her fault. It's just life. You can't make a decision before the situation comes up. Hell think about parenting. You plan to be this great parent, and do this and that and the other thing. Then the children come along... and you find yourself setting them in front of the tv in their bouncer just so you can cook dinner, or giving them that toy that you said you weren't buying just so they'll stop screaming in the store, or letting them go out on a Friday night even though they are grounded because you know they've been planning it for weeks and you've been guilt tripped (even though you swore you'd never do any of these things.) Life happens, Shit happens. And when shit hits the fan, it has a way of fucking you over. You realize your picture perfect plan for what you would do has kinks and you actually have other things to think about before you make a move and stick to it.
It's day 316. The time seems to pass so slowly... and with all the stress of this crap day to day, I wonder how much more I can take. But it will all be over soon. Time passes, even for me.
Truth is, I used to be one of those people. I'd answer something because I flat out knew what I would do. You know what? That's crap. It's complete bullshit. You can't say what you would do unless you have been there or until you are there. You can say what you'd like to think you would do. But the truth is, your opinion doesn't mean shit when shit actually happens. So many women say, "If a man ever hit me I'd leave." But when he actually hits you, especially if you love him, you try to figure out why. You don't just pack your shit and go. Most people don't at least. They try to justify it. "Well I did raise my hand to him first, even if I didn't touch him." "Well, if he had said to me what I said to him, I would have hit him too." Etc. When you can justify something, or understand the place of the person, it's easier to accept that apology. Then your "I'd leave" statement becomes null and void.
That's just a hypothetical situation of course. But I'm in a real one. I'll spare the details instead of throwing a sob story on the internet for the world to see. But I'm at a crossroads. I'm to a point where I have to make a decision. And where I was so sure a few months ago that I knew the answer, now that I have to make a choice, I'm up shit creek without a paddle. I have no fucking clue what to do. I spoke to a friend tonight and her first words were, "I would personally (insert answer here)" and I had to laugh. It was the same answers I've always had. It's not her fault. It's just life. You can't make a decision before the situation comes up. Hell think about parenting. You plan to be this great parent, and do this and that and the other thing. Then the children come along... and you find yourself setting them in front of the tv in their bouncer just so you can cook dinner, or giving them that toy that you said you weren't buying just so they'll stop screaming in the store, or letting them go out on a Friday night even though they are grounded because you know they've been planning it for weeks and you've been guilt tripped (even though you swore you'd never do any of these things.) Life happens, Shit happens. And when shit hits the fan, it has a way of fucking you over. You realize your picture perfect plan for what you would do has kinks and you actually have other things to think about before you make a move and stick to it.
It's day 316. The time seems to pass so slowly... and with all the stress of this crap day to day, I wonder how much more I can take. But it will all be over soon. Time passes, even for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
