Sick... and Tired

I HATE being sick. I've recently come down with some sort of bug and I don't have a fever, but I have chills, loss of appetite, all the pepto bismol problems, and the need for sleep. The need for so much sleep in fact that I slept all damn day and now, it's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up since 11pm and can't get to sleep. Ugh.

I'm also sick of a few things... Like my cats pissing on literally everything. I don't know WTF has gotten into them, we don't know which one is the culprit either. We know it's one of my females though. I can't leave my bedroom door open, or they piss on my bed. If you leave a plastic bag anywhere, they piss on the bag and it's contents. Thanks to my cats I now have to buy a new box of tampons. Sure, they are individually wrapped, but I'm not chancing it. I'm about ready to get rid of them. Maybe we'll get a new kitty somewhere down the line... but I can't deal with this. It's driving me nuts. And John always acts like it's my fault as though I have taught them to do it. :( It's causing us to fight... it's just breaking my heart. I've had all three of my cats since the day they were born. I don't want to lose any of them. :(

I'm sick of being broke. God I'm so ready to refinance this car. I don't want smaller payments. I want to keep paying the same amount but not have to pay it for 2 more years. I want to pay off other shit we're financing to. We lose almost a grand a month in shit that we're financing. That's ridiculous. We'd be fine if we weren't doing this... but we had to. We started with NOTHING... plus we needed to work on John's credit.

So I'm sick and tired... and sick and tired of being sick and tired... and mainly just needed a place to bitch. So yeah... later. lol.

Kitty Cats

I am surrounded by cats. It's the one constant in my life. No matter where I go I know I will be surrounded by kitties. I have three of my own, and since we're in Alabama at my dad's right now we're living with my dad's three as well. That's 6 cats in one house at this moment. Think that's a lot? Psh! We've had up to 27 in this house at one time. Yepp, that's me and my dad. The crazy fucking cat people. All joking aside, I think a cat is essential to a healthy lifestyle. Or a pet of some sort.

Originally I was a dog lover. I still love dogs. I just can't own them. A kid is enough work. A dog, is even more work (or equal work.) I mean, you always have to walk them. You always have to clean up their shit or step in it, because they never learn how to use a toilet. They can and will bark all hours of the night for any given reason no matter how many years of training you pay for. Children... they eventually grow out of all of these things. Dogs = a lot more work in the long run. And pretty damn expensive too. So yeah, I love dogs... I'm just not a dog owner.

Cats, those are more my style. Keep fresh food and water down. Scoop the litter once a day (if absolutely necessary,) change it once a week. Pet the kitty. Love the kitty. Simple.

My kitties have on many occasions helped me keep my sanity. They are crazy! They provide such entertainment. From chasing stupid shit, to playing with milk rings, to lord knows what, they make me laugh. They always snuggle when I need them too. And a kitty purr is the greatest sound to put me to sleep at night ever.

Some people hate cats. For one reason or another. And I don't blame that. Hate what you want. But me, I love my kitties. They are my saving grace. :) One day I'll have to post pictures and biographies.

Some days

Some days... I just feel numb. Living with bipolar disorder, or cyclothymia, or whatever the FUCK they are calling this shit that's wrong with my head is a constant everyday struggle. Some days, I wake up, and I feel like I just want to go back to sleep. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. I feel like if I never woke up, it would be okay. I have a lack of motivation to do anything. I don't want to get up, or get dressed, or shower, or smile, or laugh, or cry, or even think, because it all takes too much energy. It's not so much depression, because I'm not sad or depressed on those days... I'm just grey. Just lost. Like a shell of a person. Empty. A soulless human being. Some days, that's how I feel.

Other days... I'm black. I'm dark. That's the depression. The suicidal thoughts. The sadness. I don't want to do anything because all I want to do is wallow in self-pity and realize what a shit hole I live in and how it will never get better. I'm passive aggressive. I mentally and emotionally abuse myself. I treat myself like shit.

Then there are days that are white. Or I call them white. I'm high. It's an elated feeling. But high can be good or bad. I can go from happy to angry in point-zero-two seconds. I'm quick to swing into aggressiveness. My hormones rage. My sex drive is over the top. I'm energetic. I clean. I exercise. I laugh. I smile. But it's not true happiness. I haven't been truly happy in forever.

That is exactly how I described myself to my doctor a few weeks ago before they put me on this new medication. A few hours later... I found myself in the largest fight I've ever had with John. He said some of the most hurtful things he's ever said to me.
I told him when we first met... That I was damaged goods. That I had problems with bipolar. Hearing him say that to me... as though I hadn't warned him... as though he resented me. As though I was keeping him from the life he wanted. As though he didn't want to come home to me. I'm still having a hard time getting it out of my head. There was alcohol involved that night, and everything has been worked through, and apologized for... but that old statement "drunken words are sober thoughts"? Yeah... that's what kills me. That's why it keeps bugging me. Not that he was the only guilty party. Lord knows, there was a fire in my soul that night and I said my fair share of things that I didn't mean and that never should have come out of my mouth. So please, before anyone who reads this goes casting stones at him, remember I'm guilty in this too.

Things are going much better now. The medication I'm on is working very well and John and I are communicating well. I'm hoping things continue to keep getting better. For now... I find myself happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. I'm not sure. I haven't felt like this in a very very long time. Longer than I can truly remember. Longer than I care to admit honestly. And it's a nice feeling, so I hope it continues.

I want to thank anyone who has been there for me in the past few weeks. Those who said prayers, sent texts, checked up on me. I know I didn't tell you all what was going on... but this is what it was. So now you know. But thank you... for being there. All of you.

Updates!!

I'm in Alabama! I'm so excited to be home again and around my family and friends. So many people to see and things to do. Also things to update you on...

First off, my "Who's Who" page on my blog has been updated. A person has been edited, my Jessie has been added, and Kevin was removed. Why was he removed? Well.... honestly... I have put a lot of thought into this... Despite everything Kevin and I have been through and the great friend he has been to me and the great person he is, our friendship puts a strain on my marriage. John would never make me choose between himself and my friend, but I know our friendship makes him uncomfortable due to our past. I'm trying to put 100% into my marriage. So I don't need people around that put a strain on it like he does and we'll leave it at that as far as mentioning it on this blog goes.

Second, my anniversary is coming up! I'll have officially been married for 2 years on Friday. It's exciting. By the way take that bitches! (There's two of you, and chances are, you don't read this but if you ever did, you'd know who you were.)

Third, I'm adjusting really well to this new medication I'm on for my bipolar disorder. I'm really excited about it actually. I'm so proud of myself. :)

And now... I'm off to bed... because I totally forgot what I started writing this to talk about in the first place.

P.S. Amy, check your comments on your last blog post, and get up with me later. lol.

I want you to know Amy...

I hope you read this...

I write... to work through hurt. To work through pain. To work through emptiness and loneliness and my bipolar disorder and everything. I wrote everything I did when I lost you and when you pushed me away because I seriously felt that way at the time. Never knowing if you would truly read it or not, and honestly, I don't know if I cared if you did. The past year I have been a shell of a human and I'm working on that. The other night we talked about my bipolar and your situation and your life... and I felt closer to you than I have in a long time. I've been so excited about that night. I've been excited to get back here... excited to hopefully see you and spend some time with you. So if you went back and read anything that hurt you... I'm sorry. It may have been how I felt then, at that moment... but it's not how I feel now. I want to be there for you. I was before, I always have been if you needed me (you pushed me away, but I was still there) and I still am here. Don't keep pushing me away Amy. I don't want to lose my best friend again. I want our friendship back. I need it back. And I really think a large part of you does too.

Homesick

So first off an update, my husband is home. It's been 2 weeks since he made his way back into my arms and I'm so glad he's home and safe. Things are okay right now. We have issues but we are working on them. I'm hoping things get better from here. Other than that there's not much else to say about us as a unit right now.

In other news... I'm fucking homesick. I spent the majority of this deployment in Alabama with my family and the last visit I made there I rebuilt some old friendships and made a few even stronger. So I'm going to talk, actually ramble on aimlessly, about some of the most important people in my life back home.
I miss my best friend. Since his phone has been off we haven't talked much and some crazy shit went down in his world and I've been worried about him ever since. I had a dream about him two nights ago that made me wake up crying. He finally called me today and it was so nice to hear from him. I miss his stupid goofy ass something terrible. I don't think he realizes how important he is to me.
Then there's Jessie... my weeble wobble. This girl is amazing. She has cerebal palsy, and the weeble wobble thing seems like an insult at first, but it's not. Yes, she wobbles when she walks due to her condition (she likes to call it her crip walk, crazy ass) but I call her my weeble because the thing about weebles is that they wobble but don't fall down. This girl has fallen on her ass in front of me... but Her spirit never falls down. She doesn't break. When she feels like she's going to, she gets right back up and tries again. She may stumble she may fall but this girl's heart is so full and her spirit never falls. Does it wobble a bit, sure, but nothing will ever make her fall down. She doesn't always have faith in herself, but I have faith in her. She's one of the strongest people I know and she has a part of my locked away in her heart that I gave her and no one else will ever have that piece of me. She is my girl through and through and I know we will always be a part of each other's lives. She knows me, better than most people ever get the chance to. The real me. And she loves me for who I am. I love her.. and I find myself really missing her tonight.
Then there's my assorted family... I wasn't able to spend father's day with my daddy today and it really got under my skin. I only have one parent left, I want to spend as much time with him as I can. To anyone who's reading this, always remember to CHERISH every SINGLE moment... They are gone too fast and you miss them so much when you realize you can't get them back. I miss my grandma, I don't call her as often as I should and I hate that. >.< I also miss my sister. I'd love to hear from her. Ever since the wedding fiasco, she hasn't spoken to me and she made it quite clear she doesn't want to hear from me so I wish I'd hear from her. I miss her so much. I love her, more than she'll ever know and I worry about her every day. I don't know when we'll talk again or when I will see her (seeing as she moved to GA), but I miss her, I really really do.

I just want to go home. I can't wait till July when I finally can. Maybe it'll help with this funk I am in.

Crying... it's one of those nights...

So this post is going to be about my friend Allen. For those of you who don't know who Allen is... Allen is probably the best friend I ever could have asked for. We met in middle school but didn't really talk enough to be close. Our freshman year of high school, we both happened to be part of the school play/musical, Oklahoma. I truly believe this play sparked our friendship. I was going through a bad break up and he comforted me back stage pretty much the whole 3 days it was going on. Throughout the next few months, I fell in love with him. We had a relationship, a very special one that will always be near and dear to my heart. He even gave me a special piece of himself, one that no one else will ever have (if you understand what I mean.) When I was pregnant with Tyler, he offered to raise him as his own, even though we weren't together, and even at one point in time promised to marry me. We never actually dated, but I never needed it. We had a special love, and it never needed a title to me... and I still don't think it needs one. Love is the only title we will ever need. Eventually, we decided we were better off as friends, and I fell out of love with him... he had commitment issues, and I didn't trust him to stay in a monogamous relationship with me, and I don't think he trusted himself to stay in one with me either. I often wonder if he was ever monogamous with anyone. But he was the nearest and dearest friend I ever had.
Last October, on the 27 (3 days after my 20th birthday) I went to his facebook to thank him for the birth day wish and tell him I was sorry I hadn't thanked him sooner, but John was home and I'd been busy seeing family and stuff. That's when I saw the first post on his facebook asking why he did it. I was so confused... but I kept reading... and reading... and I froze. I remember cupping my face in my hands and shaking. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, just shake. John says I looked like I'd just seen a ghost. He asked me what was wrong, and then looked at my computer. He said, "What happened to Allen baby?" And I said three words that I will never forget for the rest of my life, "He killed himself." And I broke down. I burst into tears. I sobbed and cried until I literally made myself sick. I didn't know what to think. I kept searching online everywhere hoping it wasn't true, but all I found were news articles saying he was identified, he had shot himself, he was dead, he was dead, he was dead.
Since then, I've spoken about him, but not in depth. I haven't really talked to anyone about him but his girlfriend and her cousin Charr who happens to be one of my best friends. Tonight though, I felt compelled to watch the movie Rent. A movie that is very special to the both of us for many varying reasons. And I'm breaking down now... I can hear him singing every song. I can feel his hugs. I'm just crying and I need to let it out I need to talk to him or about him or something. So I started a letter to him on his facebook but there's only so much I can say there... and I'd like to finish it here... So here goes.

Allen-bear
So, I'm watching Rent for the first time since you went away... I've been putting it off and something tonight just made me want to watch it. I'm crying, but I have to admit, it's a good cry. I'm sad, but it's really hard to explain. It feels almost like you're here with me letting me know it's okay to cry and not to be so sad. I just... miss you so much. So many things that will just never be the same to me without you. It just hurts so bad. I hear your voice all the time and still see you in my dreams, but that's no replacement for our late night conversations and your amazing hugs.
I remember seeing you at my sister's graduation last spring. God that was a year ago. "Ashleigh W******," you said as you walked up to me. "Allen B*****, it's S******* now," I said as I turned around. You told me, "I know," as you reached out and hugged me and whispered in my ear that you thought you'd never see me again. I remember feeling so safe in your arms. I always felt safe in your arms when you hugged me. We had always kept in touch, but with me living in TX and you still in AL I can understand why you thought you'd never see me again. I'm so glad that you got to before you passed. That's so important to me is that I got that last hug. Heard you tell me you loved me. That all meant so much to me.
What meant even more to me was my birthday wish from you. You called me AsheAngel. All this time that we were hiding how close we were because of the crowds we hung out with who wouldn't approve. Hiding it to avoid tension... and on my birthday you said fuck them and called me by your nickname for me. Allen-bear and AsheAngel... best friends forever right?
You still come to me in my dreams, and also in my nightmares. I often wake up in cold sweats swearing I just heard a gunshot or watched you do it. I want to thank you for visiting me though, for letting me know you're still around.
I always knew you had a darker side, and I knew you had those tendencies. But I always thought you loved life too much to let go. You did love life. The same as me... So many times I've wanted to let go, but I love this world just as much as I hate it, if not more. I wish I knew what had gotten to bad for you. You had the world at your fingertips. I wish I could have eased your pain... talked you out of it, been there for you. We've always been there for each other remember? You promised to always be there for me. We promised! And you're not fucking here anymore. I'm hurt. I feel guilty, and I'm ANGRY. I'm angry at you for not calling me, for just giving up... I don't understand... It just doesn't make any sense. I just want to know why. Why Allen? I wish you could tell me. I wish you could hug me. I wish you could be here. I'm going through so much shit right now... and normally right now would be the exact moment that an IM would pop up on my screen, or a text message on my phone asking me what was wrong. We had that connection. You always knew when I needed a friend, when I needed you... and you're not here now... you never will be again. And I need you. I just don't know what to feel anymore. They say everything I feel is normal, and that eventually I will be at peace with your death, but when does peace come? When does the torment stop? I feel like a cruel joke has been played on me, and I keep waiting to hear you're still here... but I know I never will.
For now, I can rest knowing that one day I WILL see you, and I'll get the hug I have craved for so long. Until then, we'll always have Oklahoma, What a Wonderful World, Mary Poppins, Bayside, and so much more. It's real for us. That's all that matters.
I miss you and love you so much, more than you will ever know. Always and forever, AsheAngel.