Crying... it's one of those nights...

So this post is going to be about my friend Allen. For those of you who don't know who Allen is... Allen is probably the best friend I ever could have asked for. We met in middle school but didn't really talk enough to be close. Our freshman year of high school, we both happened to be part of the school play/musical, Oklahoma. I truly believe this play sparked our friendship. I was going through a bad break up and he comforted me back stage pretty much the whole 3 days it was going on. Throughout the next few months, I fell in love with him. We had a relationship, a very special one that will always be near and dear to my heart. He even gave me a special piece of himself, one that no one else will ever have (if you understand what I mean.) When I was pregnant with Tyler, he offered to raise him as his own, even though we weren't together, and even at one point in time promised to marry me. We never actually dated, but I never needed it. We had a special love, and it never needed a title to me... and I still don't think it needs one. Love is the only title we will ever need. Eventually, we decided we were better off as friends, and I fell out of love with him... he had commitment issues, and I didn't trust him to stay in a monogamous relationship with me, and I don't think he trusted himself to stay in one with me either. I often wonder if he was ever monogamous with anyone. But he was the nearest and dearest friend I ever had.
Last October, on the 27 (3 days after my 20th birthday) I went to his facebook to thank him for the birth day wish and tell him I was sorry I hadn't thanked him sooner, but John was home and I'd been busy seeing family and stuff. That's when I saw the first post on his facebook asking why he did it. I was so confused... but I kept reading... and reading... and I froze. I remember cupping my face in my hands and shaking. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, just shake. John says I looked like I'd just seen a ghost. He asked me what was wrong, and then looked at my computer. He said, "What happened to Allen baby?" And I said three words that I will never forget for the rest of my life, "He killed himself." And I broke down. I burst into tears. I sobbed and cried until I literally made myself sick. I didn't know what to think. I kept searching online everywhere hoping it wasn't true, but all I found were news articles saying he was identified, he had shot himself, he was dead, he was dead, he was dead.
Since then, I've spoken about him, but not in depth. I haven't really talked to anyone about him but his girlfriend and her cousin Charr who happens to be one of my best friends. Tonight though, I felt compelled to watch the movie Rent. A movie that is very special to the both of us for many varying reasons. And I'm breaking down now... I can hear him singing every song. I can feel his hugs. I'm just crying and I need to let it out I need to talk to him or about him or something. So I started a letter to him on his facebook but there's only so much I can say there... and I'd like to finish it here... So here goes.

Allen-bear
So, I'm watching Rent for the first time since you went away... I've been putting it off and something tonight just made me want to watch it. I'm crying, but I have to admit, it's a good cry. I'm sad, but it's really hard to explain. It feels almost like you're here with me letting me know it's okay to cry and not to be so sad. I just... miss you so much. So many things that will just never be the same to me without you. It just hurts so bad. I hear your voice all the time and still see you in my dreams, but that's no replacement for our late night conversations and your amazing hugs.
I remember seeing you at my sister's graduation last spring. God that was a year ago. "Ashleigh W******," you said as you walked up to me. "Allen B*****, it's S******* now," I said as I turned around. You told me, "I know," as you reached out and hugged me and whispered in my ear that you thought you'd never see me again. I remember feeling so safe in your arms. I always felt safe in your arms when you hugged me. We had always kept in touch, but with me living in TX and you still in AL I can understand why you thought you'd never see me again. I'm so glad that you got to before you passed. That's so important to me is that I got that last hug. Heard you tell me you loved me. That all meant so much to me.
What meant even more to me was my birthday wish from you. You called me AsheAngel. All this time that we were hiding how close we were because of the crowds we hung out with who wouldn't approve. Hiding it to avoid tension... and on my birthday you said fuck them and called me by your nickname for me. Allen-bear and AsheAngel... best friends forever right?
You still come to me in my dreams, and also in my nightmares. I often wake up in cold sweats swearing I just heard a gunshot or watched you do it. I want to thank you for visiting me though, for letting me know you're still around.
I always knew you had a darker side, and I knew you had those tendencies. But I always thought you loved life too much to let go. You did love life. The same as me... So many times I've wanted to let go, but I love this world just as much as I hate it, if not more. I wish I knew what had gotten to bad for you. You had the world at your fingertips. I wish I could have eased your pain... talked you out of it, been there for you. We've always been there for each other remember? You promised to always be there for me. We promised! And you're not fucking here anymore. I'm hurt. I feel guilty, and I'm ANGRY. I'm angry at you for not calling me, for just giving up... I don't understand... It just doesn't make any sense. I just want to know why. Why Allen? I wish you could tell me. I wish you could hug me. I wish you could be here. I'm going through so much shit right now... and normally right now would be the exact moment that an IM would pop up on my screen, or a text message on my phone asking me what was wrong. We had that connection. You always knew when I needed a friend, when I needed you... and you're not here now... you never will be again. And I need you. I just don't know what to feel anymore. They say everything I feel is normal, and that eventually I will be at peace with your death, but when does peace come? When does the torment stop? I feel like a cruel joke has been played on me, and I keep waiting to hear you're still here... but I know I never will.
For now, I can rest knowing that one day I WILL see you, and I'll get the hug I have craved for so long. Until then, we'll always have Oklahoma, What a Wonderful World, Mary Poppins, Bayside, and so much more. It's real for us. That's all that matters.
I miss you and love you so much, more than you will ever know. Always and forever, AsheAngel.