Good Days, Bad Days, and Day 263

So... Our taxes came in. Yay. A considerably large chunk went into savings, 4 new tires got put on the car, I got John and Shayli build-a-bears, got John a DSi and 3 of the video games he wanted, and I got a video game, a charger for my wii controllers, and a new iPod nano. I also got some makeup since the cat pissed on my makeup bag anr ruined all of mine, and dollar general shit breaks me out. Shayli got some clothes and new sippy cups and binkies. I also got the Cataclysm expansion for WoW. I have to go back to Austin tomorrow and get John his new Oakleys since his were stolen.

All in all I've had some good days recently. Less stress from being broke equals an all around happier me at this moment. I still have my bad days though. I'm having a hard time controlling myself. Hopefully Wednesday will be the end of that. I have a doctor's appointment and I'm hoping that we'll get everything taken care of and I can fix this depression bullcrap.

Day 263. I'm roughly 2/3 done with this deployment. And I couldn't be more excited, or nervous for that matter. I feel like everything is scary. >.< He'll be home soon, then what? Will we be able to adjust to living around each other again? I feel like I'm going to have to "date" him all over again until he's ready to be my husband. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe I'm right. Who knows? What I do know is that I'm nervous and scared. I love him so much. I can't wait for him to be home though. That's for sure.

Tired... 253

I'm so friggin tired of all of this. I'm sick of being the only one worried about finances. Sick of being the only parent. Sick of living in a filthy house because at this moment Shayli requires a ton of attention and if I just put her in her pack n play she screams like all hell has broken loose upon her. So I can't clean when she's awake. When she's asleep, I'm asleep. I'm sick of being the single parent. I'm tired of no support, no friends, no husband, no money. I know I'm supposed to be strong for him and for Shayli, and supposedly for myself. But damnit I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to break down and cry. I want to be held and told it's all going to be okay. I have 253days+ worth of emotions that I have choked back and locked away. Emotions that I haven't shown because I know I can't. I have to be strong. I'm tired of having to be something I don't want to be. I feel like I'm tearing apart. I'm almost positive the first place I'm going to end up when he gets home is on medication. Why? Because I know when he gets home, I'm going to break down. All the anger and pain and frustration and depression from the past year is going to come out, and I'm going to break the fuck down. I don't even have a way to vent. no one reads this that I'm aware of, so I'm basically just talking to myself. Once again. I've grown used to that though. Talking to myself. Not because I'm crazy, but because no one is here to listen. My best friend turned her back on me, and now that she's back, I feel like I barely know her. My father just wants to be negative. My husband only tells me to be strong and that I can do this and that he's counting on me to do this. Yepp, no pressure right? I just want to run away. I hear about people who have family members and they just send their kids to them and get a break any time they want. I don't do that, because I'm a mommy. I have to be there for my child. I'd go crazy if I she wasn't here, even for a week. She's the only company I have. In the meantime though... I could really use a night off. Actually, about 24 hours. I could use a whole day to clean and get my house the way I want it. And I could use a night to relax, take a bubble bath, read a book, watch a movie I want to see. Instead of jumping into showers for 10 minutes just to get clean, hoping nothing was destroyed while I was washing my hair. Instead of having to watch cartoons at night. I just need some friggin support here. But it doesn't exist. Such is the life of a military wife.

253 days... not long now. Just a countdown that seems endless. Hell I haven't even started said countdown. I don't know if I ever will. I don't need another thing to stress over. What I need is a good cry fest. But I can't even have that. I have two little eyes watching my every move. I can't cry in front of those eyes. They're begging me to be strong for them. And I am... because I have to be.

I don't even know you anymore, boredom, stress, and Day 240

So it's day 240. It's really starting to hit me that I only have roughly 100 days (give or take a few weeks) left! I miss him so much, but we're in the homestretch. But I'll get back to that... onto my blog.

After you added me back on facebook and started acting like my friend again, I realized I really don't even know you anymore. You've changed and become the most conceited self absorbed person I know. I really have no reason to continue a friendship with you. I feel like you aren't the same person I knew, and I honestly feel like I'm much better off without you around. I'm glad you're gone.

I'm so sick of being bored here in TX. It sucks. I feel like there's nothing to do. And the weather here is crazy. Since when does TX have snow like this? Also it's freezing. And stress sucks! I feel like I'm never going to figure out everything that's going on. I'm so ready for John to come home and I'll finally have some support in all of this.