Tired... 253

I'm so friggin tired of all of this. I'm sick of being the only one worried about finances. Sick of being the only parent. Sick of living in a filthy house because at this moment Shayli requires a ton of attention and if I just put her in her pack n play she screams like all hell has broken loose upon her. So I can't clean when she's awake. When she's asleep, I'm asleep. I'm sick of being the single parent. I'm tired of no support, no friends, no husband, no money. I know I'm supposed to be strong for him and for Shayli, and supposedly for myself. But damnit I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to break down and cry. I want to be held and told it's all going to be okay. I have 253days+ worth of emotions that I have choked back and locked away. Emotions that I haven't shown because I know I can't. I have to be strong. I'm tired of having to be something I don't want to be. I feel like I'm tearing apart. I'm almost positive the first place I'm going to end up when he gets home is on medication. Why? Because I know when he gets home, I'm going to break down. All the anger and pain and frustration and depression from the past year is going to come out, and I'm going to break the fuck down. I don't even have a way to vent. no one reads this that I'm aware of, so I'm basically just talking to myself. Once again. I've grown used to that though. Talking to myself. Not because I'm crazy, but because no one is here to listen. My best friend turned her back on me, and now that she's back, I feel like I barely know her. My father just wants to be negative. My husband only tells me to be strong and that I can do this and that he's counting on me to do this. Yepp, no pressure right? I just want to run away. I hear about people who have family members and they just send their kids to them and get a break any time they want. I don't do that, because I'm a mommy. I have to be there for my child. I'd go crazy if I she wasn't here, even for a week. She's the only company I have. In the meantime though... I could really use a night off. Actually, about 24 hours. I could use a whole day to clean and get my house the way I want it. And I could use a night to relax, take a bubble bath, read a book, watch a movie I want to see. Instead of jumping into showers for 10 minutes just to get clean, hoping nothing was destroyed while I was washing my hair. Instead of having to watch cartoons at night. I just need some friggin support here. But it doesn't exist. Such is the life of a military wife.

253 days... not long now. Just a countdown that seems endless. Hell I haven't even started said countdown. I don't know if I ever will. I don't need another thing to stress over. What I need is a good cry fest. But I can't even have that. I have two little eyes watching my every move. I can't cry in front of those eyes. They're begging me to be strong for them. And I am... because I have to be.