So Far Away

This song was written by Synyster Gates a member of the band Avenged Sevenfold in memory of Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan, who passed away in December 09 due to an accidental overdose. Since hearing this song, it has made me think of many people in my life, including my mother who died in 08, my friend, Allen, who recently committed suicide, and one verse in particular even reminds me of my grandfather who recently passed away of lung cancer ("Sleep tight, I’m not afraid. The ones that we love are here with me. Lay away a place for me ‘Cause as soon as I’m done, I’ll be on my way To live eternally.") I wanted to post the lyrics seeing as it's such a beautiful song.


So Far Away - Avenged Sevenfold


Never feared for anything.

Never shamed but never free.

A light that healed the broken heart with all that it could

Lived the life so endlessly.

Saw beyond what others see.

I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could


Will you stay?

Will you stay away forever?


How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned.

Place and time always on my mind.

I have so much to say but you’re so far away.


Plans of what our features hold

Foolish lies of growin’ old

It seems we’re so invincible, the truth is so cold.

A final song, a last request

A perfect chapter laid to rest

Now and then I try to find a place in my mind


Where you can stay,

You can stay awake forever.


How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned.

Place and time always on my mind.

I have so much to say but you’re so far away.


Sleep tight, I’m not afraid.

The ones that we love are here with me.

Lay away a place for me

‘Cause as soon as I’m done,

I’ll be on my way

To live eternally.


How do I live without the ones I love?

Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned

Place and time always on my mind

And the light you left remains but it’s so hard to stay

When I have so much to say, you’re so far away.


I love you

You were ready

The pain is strong and urges rise

But I’ll see you

When He lets me

Your pain is gone, your hands untied.


So far away.


And I need you to know


So far away


And I need you to,

Need you to know…

Numbness, Exciting News, & Day 165

It's been 165 days. Meaning 200 left maximum. Though it will most likely be left. I'm so happy about this. It's hard, it's painful, but it's going by.

So, exciting news... John re-enlisted. We're getting a bonus and we'll finally be out of debt. We're also moving to Fort Campbell KY and getting out of TX and avoiding going to Fort Bliss. I'm so excited about all of this.

Other than that, I feel alone. I feel like my family is all I have left, which is great, but they aren't exactly the people I WANT around me all the time. They're a bunch of hypocrites. The cast majority of my friends have decided they just have better things to do than be there for me. Funny how the times I need a shoulder the most they all just disappear. After my grandfather passed, I wanted to be alone. When Allen committed suicide, it was different. I needed someone to lean on and John isn't the best when it comes to deaths. I needed people to talk to. I still do, and it seems like the people I loved and counted on and considered family have turn tail and ran. Even the one who I thought would always be there for me. Who is close enough to me to have a piece of my heart is too busy for me. I try to contact her and she never responds. I call and get told I'll get a call back. I guess it's just the end of the line for her and I. Her relationship is much better now, but I guarantee it's got a ton to do with the fact that she distanced herself from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's happy, I really am. But I hate feeling like I was just expendable.

I just feel like the people I've counted on for so long... The ones I've given parts of myself to.. The ones who I went out of my way to help... are just gone. I guess I wasn't as important to them as they were to me. Or at least, that's how I feel. Maybe I feel the wrong way.
All I know... is it feels numbing. The people I counted on have walked away, Allen committed suicide so I can turn to him no longer, and I can't turn to my husband because he has enough going on within his world as is.

I just want an actual best friend (aside from my husband). Like the kind of best friends other people have. The ones that would do anything for you, don't stab you in the back, understand where priorities lie, love you like family, and treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. But I guess a best friend is someone you meet in childhood and keep forever, and I moved too much to ever do that... So I guess a best friend is too much to ask for.
But I'm thankful. I have my husband, who tries his hardest to be there for me no matter what and always helps me out. I have a family that loves me, though they have their awfully two-faced moments. And I have my daughter who is a greater gift than I ever could have asked for.

Fading Memories, I miss you, and Day 151

R&R has come and gone. John is now back overseas. I wasn't able to blog at all during the month of October. It was one thing after another. My grandfather passed away. I still feel numb. It's like everything just froze in time. Then John came home. Then my dear friend Allen committed suicide. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. R&R feels like nothing more than a dream. My memories of my grandfather and of Allen feel so hard to hold on to. And I've been so busy that I haven't had the time to cry, much less grieve. It's even harder since I don't have people to talk to about what I'm feeling/going through. But I'm doing it. Just trying to be strong. There will be plenty of time to grieve and let go and move on after deployment right?