It's been 165 days. Meaning 200 left maximum. Though it will most likely be left. I'm so happy about this. It's hard, it's painful, but it's going by.
So, exciting news... John re-enlisted. We're getting a bonus and we'll finally be out of debt. We're also moving to Fort Campbell KY and getting out of TX and avoiding going to Fort Bliss. I'm so excited about all of this.
Other than that, I feel alone. I feel like my family is all I have left, which is great, but they aren't exactly the people I WANT around me all the time. They're a bunch of hypocrites. The cast majority of my friends have decided they just have better things to do than be there for me. Funny how the times I need a shoulder the most they all just disappear. After my grandfather passed, I wanted to be alone. When Allen committed suicide, it was different. I needed someone to lean on and John isn't the best when it comes to deaths. I needed people to talk to. I still do, and it seems like the people I loved and counted on and considered family have turn tail and ran. Even the one who I thought would always be there for me. Who is close enough to me to have a piece of my heart is too busy for me. I try to contact her and she never responds. I call and get told I'll get a call back. I guess it's just the end of the line for her and I. Her relationship is much better now, but I guarantee it's got a ton to do with the fact that she distanced herself from me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's happy, I really am. But I hate feeling like I was just expendable.
I just feel like the people I've counted on for so long... The ones I've given parts of myself to.. The ones who I went out of my way to help... are just gone. I guess I wasn't as important to them as they were to me. Or at least, that's how I feel. Maybe I feel the wrong way.
All I know... is it feels numbing. The people I counted on have walked away, Allen committed suicide so I can turn to him no longer, and I can't turn to my husband because he has enough going on within his world as is.
I just want an actual best friend (aside from my husband). Like the kind of best friends other people have. The ones that would do anything for you, don't stab you in the back, understand where priorities lie, love you like family, and treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve. But I guess a best friend is someone you meet in childhood and keep forever, and I moved too much to ever do that... So I guess a best friend is too much to ask for.
But I'm thankful. I have my husband, who tries his hardest to be there for me no matter what and always helps me out. I have a family that loves me, though they have their awfully two-faced moments. And I have my daughter who is a greater gift than I ever could have asked for.
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