Sick... and Tired

I HATE being sick. I've recently come down with some sort of bug and I don't have a fever, but I have chills, loss of appetite, all the pepto bismol problems, and the need for sleep. The need for so much sleep in fact that I slept all damn day and now, it's 5:30 in the morning and I've been up since 11pm and can't get to sleep. Ugh.

I'm also sick of a few things... Like my cats pissing on literally everything. I don't know WTF has gotten into them, we don't know which one is the culprit either. We know it's one of my females though. I can't leave my bedroom door open, or they piss on my bed. If you leave a plastic bag anywhere, they piss on the bag and it's contents. Thanks to my cats I now have to buy a new box of tampons. Sure, they are individually wrapped, but I'm not chancing it. I'm about ready to get rid of them. Maybe we'll get a new kitty somewhere down the line... but I can't deal with this. It's driving me nuts. And John always acts like it's my fault as though I have taught them to do it. :( It's causing us to fight... it's just breaking my heart. I've had all three of my cats since the day they were born. I don't want to lose any of them. :(

I'm sick of being broke. God I'm so ready to refinance this car. I don't want smaller payments. I want to keep paying the same amount but not have to pay it for 2 more years. I want to pay off other shit we're financing to. We lose almost a grand a month in shit that we're financing. That's ridiculous. We'd be fine if we weren't doing this... but we had to. We started with NOTHING... plus we needed to work on John's credit.

So I'm sick and tired... and sick and tired of being sick and tired... and mainly just needed a place to bitch. So yeah... later. lol.

Kitty Cats

I am surrounded by cats. It's the one constant in my life. No matter where I go I know I will be surrounded by kitties. I have three of my own, and since we're in Alabama at my dad's right now we're living with my dad's three as well. That's 6 cats in one house at this moment. Think that's a lot? Psh! We've had up to 27 in this house at one time. Yepp, that's me and my dad. The crazy fucking cat people. All joking aside, I think a cat is essential to a healthy lifestyle. Or a pet of some sort.

Originally I was a dog lover. I still love dogs. I just can't own them. A kid is enough work. A dog, is even more work (or equal work.) I mean, you always have to walk them. You always have to clean up their shit or step in it, because they never learn how to use a toilet. They can and will bark all hours of the night for any given reason no matter how many years of training you pay for. Children... they eventually grow out of all of these things. Dogs = a lot more work in the long run. And pretty damn expensive too. So yeah, I love dogs... I'm just not a dog owner.

Cats, those are more my style. Keep fresh food and water down. Scoop the litter once a day (if absolutely necessary,) change it once a week. Pet the kitty. Love the kitty. Simple.

My kitties have on many occasions helped me keep my sanity. They are crazy! They provide such entertainment. From chasing stupid shit, to playing with milk rings, to lord knows what, they make me laugh. They always snuggle when I need them too. And a kitty purr is the greatest sound to put me to sleep at night ever.

Some people hate cats. For one reason or another. And I don't blame that. Hate what you want. But me, I love my kitties. They are my saving grace. :) One day I'll have to post pictures and biographies.

Some days

Some days... I just feel numb. Living with bipolar disorder, or cyclothymia, or whatever the FUCK they are calling this shit that's wrong with my head is a constant everyday struggle. Some days, I wake up, and I feel like I just want to go back to sleep. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. I feel like if I never woke up, it would be okay. I have a lack of motivation to do anything. I don't want to get up, or get dressed, or shower, or smile, or laugh, or cry, or even think, because it all takes too much energy. It's not so much depression, because I'm not sad or depressed on those days... I'm just grey. Just lost. Like a shell of a person. Empty. A soulless human being. Some days, that's how I feel.

Other days... I'm black. I'm dark. That's the depression. The suicidal thoughts. The sadness. I don't want to do anything because all I want to do is wallow in self-pity and realize what a shit hole I live in and how it will never get better. I'm passive aggressive. I mentally and emotionally abuse myself. I treat myself like shit.

Then there are days that are white. Or I call them white. I'm high. It's an elated feeling. But high can be good or bad. I can go from happy to angry in point-zero-two seconds. I'm quick to swing into aggressiveness. My hormones rage. My sex drive is over the top. I'm energetic. I clean. I exercise. I laugh. I smile. But it's not true happiness. I haven't been truly happy in forever.

That is exactly how I described myself to my doctor a few weeks ago before they put me on this new medication. A few hours later... I found myself in the largest fight I've ever had with John. He said some of the most hurtful things he's ever said to me.
I told him when we first met... That I was damaged goods. That I had problems with bipolar. Hearing him say that to me... as though I hadn't warned him... as though he resented me. As though I was keeping him from the life he wanted. As though he didn't want to come home to me. I'm still having a hard time getting it out of my head. There was alcohol involved that night, and everything has been worked through, and apologized for... but that old statement "drunken words are sober thoughts"? Yeah... that's what kills me. That's why it keeps bugging me. Not that he was the only guilty party. Lord knows, there was a fire in my soul that night and I said my fair share of things that I didn't mean and that never should have come out of my mouth. So please, before anyone who reads this goes casting stones at him, remember I'm guilty in this too.

Things are going much better now. The medication I'm on is working very well and John and I are communicating well. I'm hoping things continue to keep getting better. For now... I find myself happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. I'm not sure. I haven't felt like this in a very very long time. Longer than I can truly remember. Longer than I care to admit honestly. And it's a nice feeling, so I hope it continues.

I want to thank anyone who has been there for me in the past few weeks. Those who said prayers, sent texts, checked up on me. I know I didn't tell you all what was going on... but this is what it was. So now you know. But thank you... for being there. All of you.

Updates!!

I'm in Alabama! I'm so excited to be home again and around my family and friends. So many people to see and things to do. Also things to update you on...

First off, my "Who's Who" page on my blog has been updated. A person has been edited, my Jessie has been added, and Kevin was removed. Why was he removed? Well.... honestly... I have put a lot of thought into this... Despite everything Kevin and I have been through and the great friend he has been to me and the great person he is, our friendship puts a strain on my marriage. John would never make me choose between himself and my friend, but I know our friendship makes him uncomfortable due to our past. I'm trying to put 100% into my marriage. So I don't need people around that put a strain on it like he does and we'll leave it at that as far as mentioning it on this blog goes.

Second, my anniversary is coming up! I'll have officially been married for 2 years on Friday. It's exciting. By the way take that bitches! (There's two of you, and chances are, you don't read this but if you ever did, you'd know who you were.)

Third, I'm adjusting really well to this new medication I'm on for my bipolar disorder. I'm really excited about it actually. I'm so proud of myself. :)

And now... I'm off to bed... because I totally forgot what I started writing this to talk about in the first place.

P.S. Amy, check your comments on your last blog post, and get up with me later. lol.

I want you to know Amy...

I hope you read this...

I write... to work through hurt. To work through pain. To work through emptiness and loneliness and my bipolar disorder and everything. I wrote everything I did when I lost you and when you pushed me away because I seriously felt that way at the time. Never knowing if you would truly read it or not, and honestly, I don't know if I cared if you did. The past year I have been a shell of a human and I'm working on that. The other night we talked about my bipolar and your situation and your life... and I felt closer to you than I have in a long time. I've been so excited about that night. I've been excited to get back here... excited to hopefully see you and spend some time with you. So if you went back and read anything that hurt you... I'm sorry. It may have been how I felt then, at that moment... but it's not how I feel now. I want to be there for you. I was before, I always have been if you needed me (you pushed me away, but I was still there) and I still am here. Don't keep pushing me away Amy. I don't want to lose my best friend again. I want our friendship back. I need it back. And I really think a large part of you does too.

Homesick

So first off an update, my husband is home. It's been 2 weeks since he made his way back into my arms and I'm so glad he's home and safe. Things are okay right now. We have issues but we are working on them. I'm hoping things get better from here. Other than that there's not much else to say about us as a unit right now.

In other news... I'm fucking homesick. I spent the majority of this deployment in Alabama with my family and the last visit I made there I rebuilt some old friendships and made a few even stronger. So I'm going to talk, actually ramble on aimlessly, about some of the most important people in my life back home.
I miss my best friend. Since his phone has been off we haven't talked much and some crazy shit went down in his world and I've been worried about him ever since. I had a dream about him two nights ago that made me wake up crying. He finally called me today and it was so nice to hear from him. I miss his stupid goofy ass something terrible. I don't think he realizes how important he is to me.
Then there's Jessie... my weeble wobble. This girl is amazing. She has cerebal palsy, and the weeble wobble thing seems like an insult at first, but it's not. Yes, she wobbles when she walks due to her condition (she likes to call it her crip walk, crazy ass) but I call her my weeble because the thing about weebles is that they wobble but don't fall down. This girl has fallen on her ass in front of me... but Her spirit never falls down. She doesn't break. When she feels like she's going to, she gets right back up and tries again. She may stumble she may fall but this girl's heart is so full and her spirit never falls. Does it wobble a bit, sure, but nothing will ever make her fall down. She doesn't always have faith in herself, but I have faith in her. She's one of the strongest people I know and she has a part of my locked away in her heart that I gave her and no one else will ever have that piece of me. She is my girl through and through and I know we will always be a part of each other's lives. She knows me, better than most people ever get the chance to. The real me. And she loves me for who I am. I love her.. and I find myself really missing her tonight.
Then there's my assorted family... I wasn't able to spend father's day with my daddy today and it really got under my skin. I only have one parent left, I want to spend as much time with him as I can. To anyone who's reading this, always remember to CHERISH every SINGLE moment... They are gone too fast and you miss them so much when you realize you can't get them back. I miss my grandma, I don't call her as often as I should and I hate that. >.< I also miss my sister. I'd love to hear from her. Ever since the wedding fiasco, she hasn't spoken to me and she made it quite clear she doesn't want to hear from me so I wish I'd hear from her. I miss her so much. I love her, more than she'll ever know and I worry about her every day. I don't know when we'll talk again or when I will see her (seeing as she moved to GA), but I miss her, I really really do.

I just want to go home. I can't wait till July when I finally can. Maybe it'll help with this funk I am in.

Crying... it's one of those nights...

So this post is going to be about my friend Allen. For those of you who don't know who Allen is... Allen is probably the best friend I ever could have asked for. We met in middle school but didn't really talk enough to be close. Our freshman year of high school, we both happened to be part of the school play/musical, Oklahoma. I truly believe this play sparked our friendship. I was going through a bad break up and he comforted me back stage pretty much the whole 3 days it was going on. Throughout the next few months, I fell in love with him. We had a relationship, a very special one that will always be near and dear to my heart. He even gave me a special piece of himself, one that no one else will ever have (if you understand what I mean.) When I was pregnant with Tyler, he offered to raise him as his own, even though we weren't together, and even at one point in time promised to marry me. We never actually dated, but I never needed it. We had a special love, and it never needed a title to me... and I still don't think it needs one. Love is the only title we will ever need. Eventually, we decided we were better off as friends, and I fell out of love with him... he had commitment issues, and I didn't trust him to stay in a monogamous relationship with me, and I don't think he trusted himself to stay in one with me either. I often wonder if he was ever monogamous with anyone. But he was the nearest and dearest friend I ever had.
Last October, on the 27 (3 days after my 20th birthday) I went to his facebook to thank him for the birth day wish and tell him I was sorry I hadn't thanked him sooner, but John was home and I'd been busy seeing family and stuff. That's when I saw the first post on his facebook asking why he did it. I was so confused... but I kept reading... and reading... and I froze. I remember cupping my face in my hands and shaking. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, just shake. John says I looked like I'd just seen a ghost. He asked me what was wrong, and then looked at my computer. He said, "What happened to Allen baby?" And I said three words that I will never forget for the rest of my life, "He killed himself." And I broke down. I burst into tears. I sobbed and cried until I literally made myself sick. I didn't know what to think. I kept searching online everywhere hoping it wasn't true, but all I found were news articles saying he was identified, he had shot himself, he was dead, he was dead, he was dead.
Since then, I've spoken about him, but not in depth. I haven't really talked to anyone about him but his girlfriend and her cousin Charr who happens to be one of my best friends. Tonight though, I felt compelled to watch the movie Rent. A movie that is very special to the both of us for many varying reasons. And I'm breaking down now... I can hear him singing every song. I can feel his hugs. I'm just crying and I need to let it out I need to talk to him or about him or something. So I started a letter to him on his facebook but there's only so much I can say there... and I'd like to finish it here... So here goes.

Allen-bear
So, I'm watching Rent for the first time since you went away... I've been putting it off and something tonight just made me want to watch it. I'm crying, but I have to admit, it's a good cry. I'm sad, but it's really hard to explain. It feels almost like you're here with me letting me know it's okay to cry and not to be so sad. I just... miss you so much. So many things that will just never be the same to me without you. It just hurts so bad. I hear your voice all the time and still see you in my dreams, but that's no replacement for our late night conversations and your amazing hugs.
I remember seeing you at my sister's graduation last spring. God that was a year ago. "Ashleigh W******," you said as you walked up to me. "Allen B*****, it's S******* now," I said as I turned around. You told me, "I know," as you reached out and hugged me and whispered in my ear that you thought you'd never see me again. I remember feeling so safe in your arms. I always felt safe in your arms when you hugged me. We had always kept in touch, but with me living in TX and you still in AL I can understand why you thought you'd never see me again. I'm so glad that you got to before you passed. That's so important to me is that I got that last hug. Heard you tell me you loved me. That all meant so much to me.
What meant even more to me was my birthday wish from you. You called me AsheAngel. All this time that we were hiding how close we were because of the crowds we hung out with who wouldn't approve. Hiding it to avoid tension... and on my birthday you said fuck them and called me by your nickname for me. Allen-bear and AsheAngel... best friends forever right?
You still come to me in my dreams, and also in my nightmares. I often wake up in cold sweats swearing I just heard a gunshot or watched you do it. I want to thank you for visiting me though, for letting me know you're still around.
I always knew you had a darker side, and I knew you had those tendencies. But I always thought you loved life too much to let go. You did love life. The same as me... So many times I've wanted to let go, but I love this world just as much as I hate it, if not more. I wish I knew what had gotten to bad for you. You had the world at your fingertips. I wish I could have eased your pain... talked you out of it, been there for you. We've always been there for each other remember? You promised to always be there for me. We promised! And you're not fucking here anymore. I'm hurt. I feel guilty, and I'm ANGRY. I'm angry at you for not calling me, for just giving up... I don't understand... It just doesn't make any sense. I just want to know why. Why Allen? I wish you could tell me. I wish you could hug me. I wish you could be here. I'm going through so much shit right now... and normally right now would be the exact moment that an IM would pop up on my screen, or a text message on my phone asking me what was wrong. We had that connection. You always knew when I needed a friend, when I needed you... and you're not here now... you never will be again. And I need you. I just don't know what to feel anymore. They say everything I feel is normal, and that eventually I will be at peace with your death, but when does peace come? When does the torment stop? I feel like a cruel joke has been played on me, and I keep waiting to hear you're still here... but I know I never will.
For now, I can rest knowing that one day I WILL see you, and I'll get the hug I have craved for so long. Until then, we'll always have Oklahoma, What a Wonderful World, Mary Poppins, Bayside, and so much more. It's real for us. That's all that matters.
I miss you and love you so much, more than you will ever know. Always and forever, AsheAngel.

353.. How I've been.

Day 353 fucking yay! It's getting close to the end of deployment. Could be days could be weeks, could be another month or two. Who knows? I'll never tell! The important thing is that I'm surviving this bitch and I've almost got it beat.
Today's blog comes with a disclaimer. So to my grand total of 5 (when did it become 5?)followers, please make sure you read this...
***I am not responsible for the profanities that will henceforth spill onto this page from my fingertips! Also, be ready for lots of rambling.***

So what am I doing right now? I'm sitting on this couch, typing on this computer with three cats and a toddler sharing the couch with me. Yes, it's pretty friggin crowded. I've been trying to watch movies on netflix, but even things that seem interesting are boring the fuck out of me. I finished Shayli's welcome home poster for her Godfather who will be home soon as well. I'm glad I finished it during the day because the lightbulb in my dining room is officially out. That thing lasted two years and it was always on. Note to self, buy more of those awesome ass everlasting lightbulbs. Anyways, I can't reach the socket to change it without climbing on the table and I'm afraid of heights. So screw that lightbulb. Put it on John's to do list.
I'm going to take the time to vent for a little bit about a certain "friend" that has been on my mind. Newsflash, I do not like to be used. I also do not like to be lied to, treated like a lesser being than you, or subjected to hours upon hours of musical torture. I hope we have this very clear, because if it keeps up, you can consider yourself to be less one friend.
Chocolate Chip Cookie dough ice cream is good, unless I really want rocky road. Fuck your couch AAFES. Stupid bastards that don't carry the almondy marshmallowey chocolately goodness.
Right now I'm out of cigarettes waiting for money to hit the account. 2 more hours max. Yay. No, we're not broke, I just refuse to touch the little bit we have in savings after supporting my father for 3 months depleted everything we had. >.<

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is. An update I guess? Eh. Whatever. I miss Alabama, I miss joking with the best friend all day, can't wait to hang out with him again in a few weeks. I miss my husband. And I'm excited for him to come home.

In a side note, Matt Tuck, if you ever asked, I would leave my husband for you. Holy hell. If you don't know who this is, google is your friend.

In closing, to all those fuckers who said I was never going to amount to anything in high school...
Four words to choke upon, look at me now. :)

Some Revelations

As I sit here, unable to sleep yet again, and talk to a friend on yahoo and think about the current state of my life... I'm realizing things I never knew about myself.

My husband and I haven't been "together" for a very long time. We've slept in the same bed, we've had sex, we've kissed... but we haven't been the couple we were. We don't talk, we don't communicate, we don't spend time together. We've been living two separate lives for quite some time, just living them side by side. I think this has been the root of our problems. And I think now that we've found out what the problem is we can begin taking steps to fix it and move on.

I've realized that I have been drama free for months, no big blowups... and I love it. It's nice to be free of the crap.

I've realized that I need more friends, and I'm ready to start making them. I've also realized that I have had the best friend I've so wanted my whole life for about 4 years now. He's disappeared now and then, but I'm very happy to have him in my life again. I missed him. And he really needs to stop this "disappear for a few months every once in a while" shit. Also, I hope that he and John can work out their differences and become friends.

I've also come to realize, that I have changed. I am not the same person I was three years ago. Neither is my husband. I've lost friends, learned lessons, grown up. I still have a lot of the same person in me... but I have changed. It's time to be true to myself. It's time to move on with my life and my relationship. My world has kind of stopped since deployment started. I've been in a rut... and I'm ready to get back on track. Start college, work on my marriage, fall in love with John all over again. I'm ready to start smiling again.

Hypothetical Questions & Day 316

Hypothetical questions. They're a bitch. I love when someone answers a hypothetical question with a "definite" answer. "If a man ever cheated on me, I'd leave." "I'd never help a family member who had a drug problem with their bills." blah blah blah. Etc etc.
Truth is, I used to be one of those people. I'd answer something because I flat out knew what I would do. You know what? That's crap. It's complete bullshit. You can't say what you would do unless you have been there or until you are there. You can say what you'd like to think you would do. But the truth is, your opinion doesn't mean shit when shit actually happens. So many women say, "If a man ever hit me I'd leave." But when he actually hits you, especially if you love him, you try to figure out why. You don't just pack your shit and go. Most people don't at least. They try to justify it. "Well I did raise my hand to him first, even if I didn't touch him." "Well, if he had said to me what I said to him, I would have hit him too." Etc. When you can justify something, or understand the place of the person, it's easier to accept that apology. Then your "I'd leave" statement becomes null and void.
That's just a hypothetical situation of course. But I'm in a real one. I'll spare the details instead of throwing a sob story on the internet for the world to see. But I'm at a crossroads. I'm to a point where I have to make a decision. And where I was so sure a few months ago that I knew the answer, now that I have to make a choice, I'm up shit creek without a paddle. I have no fucking clue what to do. I spoke to a friend tonight and her first words were, "I would personally (insert answer here)" and I had to laugh. It was the same answers I've always had. It's not her fault. It's just life. You can't make a decision before the situation comes up. Hell think about parenting. You plan to be this great parent, and do this and that and the other thing. Then the children come along... and you find yourself setting them in front of the tv in their bouncer just so you can cook dinner, or giving them that toy that you said you weren't buying just so they'll stop screaming in the store, or letting them go out on a Friday night even though they are grounded because you know they've been planning it for weeks and you've been guilt tripped (even though you swore you'd never do any of these things.) Life happens, Shit happens. And when shit hits the fan, it has a way of fucking you over. You realize your picture perfect plan for what you would do has kinks and you actually have other things to think about before you make a move and stick to it.

It's day 316. The time seems to pass so slowly... and with all the stress of this crap day to day, I wonder how much more I can take. But it will all be over soon. Time passes, even for me.

Good Days, Bad Days, and Day 263

So... Our taxes came in. Yay. A considerably large chunk went into savings, 4 new tires got put on the car, I got John and Shayli build-a-bears, got John a DSi and 3 of the video games he wanted, and I got a video game, a charger for my wii controllers, and a new iPod nano. I also got some makeup since the cat pissed on my makeup bag anr ruined all of mine, and dollar general shit breaks me out. Shayli got some clothes and new sippy cups and binkies. I also got the Cataclysm expansion for WoW. I have to go back to Austin tomorrow and get John his new Oakleys since his were stolen.

All in all I've had some good days recently. Less stress from being broke equals an all around happier me at this moment. I still have my bad days though. I'm having a hard time controlling myself. Hopefully Wednesday will be the end of that. I have a doctor's appointment and I'm hoping that we'll get everything taken care of and I can fix this depression bullcrap.

Day 263. I'm roughly 2/3 done with this deployment. And I couldn't be more excited, or nervous for that matter. I feel like everything is scary. >.< He'll be home soon, then what? Will we be able to adjust to living around each other again? I feel like I'm going to have to "date" him all over again until he's ready to be my husband. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe I'm right. Who knows? What I do know is that I'm nervous and scared. I love him so much. I can't wait for him to be home though. That's for sure.

Tired... 253

I'm so friggin tired of all of this. I'm sick of being the only one worried about finances. Sick of being the only parent. Sick of living in a filthy house because at this moment Shayli requires a ton of attention and if I just put her in her pack n play she screams like all hell has broken loose upon her. So I can't clean when she's awake. When she's asleep, I'm asleep. I'm sick of being the single parent. I'm tired of no support, no friends, no husband, no money. I know I'm supposed to be strong for him and for Shayli, and supposedly for myself. But damnit I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to break down and cry. I want to be held and told it's all going to be okay. I have 253days+ worth of emotions that I have choked back and locked away. Emotions that I haven't shown because I know I can't. I have to be strong. I'm tired of having to be something I don't want to be. I feel like I'm tearing apart. I'm almost positive the first place I'm going to end up when he gets home is on medication. Why? Because I know when he gets home, I'm going to break down. All the anger and pain and frustration and depression from the past year is going to come out, and I'm going to break the fuck down. I don't even have a way to vent. no one reads this that I'm aware of, so I'm basically just talking to myself. Once again. I've grown used to that though. Talking to myself. Not because I'm crazy, but because no one is here to listen. My best friend turned her back on me, and now that she's back, I feel like I barely know her. My father just wants to be negative. My husband only tells me to be strong and that I can do this and that he's counting on me to do this. Yepp, no pressure right? I just want to run away. I hear about people who have family members and they just send their kids to them and get a break any time they want. I don't do that, because I'm a mommy. I have to be there for my child. I'd go crazy if I she wasn't here, even for a week. She's the only company I have. In the meantime though... I could really use a night off. Actually, about 24 hours. I could use a whole day to clean and get my house the way I want it. And I could use a night to relax, take a bubble bath, read a book, watch a movie I want to see. Instead of jumping into showers for 10 minutes just to get clean, hoping nothing was destroyed while I was washing my hair. Instead of having to watch cartoons at night. I just need some friggin support here. But it doesn't exist. Such is the life of a military wife.

253 days... not long now. Just a countdown that seems endless. Hell I haven't even started said countdown. I don't know if I ever will. I don't need another thing to stress over. What I need is a good cry fest. But I can't even have that. I have two little eyes watching my every move. I can't cry in front of those eyes. They're begging me to be strong for them. And I am... because I have to be.

I don't even know you anymore, boredom, stress, and Day 240

So it's day 240. It's really starting to hit me that I only have roughly 100 days (give or take a few weeks) left! I miss him so much, but we're in the homestretch. But I'll get back to that... onto my blog.

After you added me back on facebook and started acting like my friend again, I realized I really don't even know you anymore. You've changed and become the most conceited self absorbed person I know. I really have no reason to continue a friendship with you. I feel like you aren't the same person I knew, and I honestly feel like I'm much better off without you around. I'm glad you're gone.

I'm so sick of being bored here in TX. It sucks. I feel like there's nothing to do. And the weather here is crazy. Since when does TX have snow like this? Also it's freezing. And stress sucks! I feel like I'm never going to figure out everything that's going on. I'm so ready for John to come home and I'll finally have some support in all of this.

Day 233 and it's been three months.

It seems like the days are staring to go by so slowly... But we only have between 8 and 11 paychecks left. When we started we had roughly 24, so we're doing pretty good. I'm so excited for John to come home. I'm excited to move to KY. Maybe even start TTC by the end of the year. I don't know for sure. I just know I'm ready to keep going with this life we have.

In other news, it's been three months since I said goodbye to Allen. I miss him so much. I still have dreams about him, and nightmares about gunshots and tears. I think in March I'm going to finally visit his grave and wish him a happy birthday. I hope to have my tattoo by then... but who knows, I may even wait till his birthday for the tattoo. I dunno. I just wish this could be easier... I miss you Allen-bear! I love you!

The Past ~ Korn

You chose to take
From the past
You want a game
That's built to last

Cause love without affection
Is hate without the pain
Life is a connection
Seperate from the brain

You chose to take
From the past

Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything even you my friend

You wanna lay
In the past
You'll do anything
To make your pain last

Cause love without affection
Is hate without the pain
Life is a connection
Seperate from the brain

You just take
From the past

Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything even you my friend

Run away, go away [x30]

Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything with you my friend

Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
Is this the end?

To a Dear Old Friend

My best friend for years....

Now, due to a stupid fight over stupid shit... it's like you don't even exist. I can't see anything you've written on facebook because I've been blocked. I can't find you for that reason either. It's as though every single thing that happened was a dream. You're just... gone. And I still don't even understand what I did wrong.

I guess my best bet is to listen to John and everyone else and just let it go. Forget about it. Move on... but it feels so empty for your presence to be completely gone. According to them, with friends like you... who needs enemies. Maybe they are right.

The truest thing I've heard in a while

I was in the car when a song came on the radio today and i have to share it. The song is called "Real" and it's by James Wesley

500 Channels and there ain’t much on tonight
But reality shows about some folks so called lives
A pretty girl cries cause she don’t get a rose
But she’ll find love next year on her own show
And they call that real

Real, is the hand you hold 57 years
Real, is a band of gold trembling with fear
And it’s the first long tear down an old man’s face
Watching his angel slipping away
His heart so broke, it’s never gonna heal
I call that real

Where I live, housewives don’t act like that
And the survivors are farmers in John Deere hats
Our Amazing race is beating the check
Praying that the bank ain’t ran it through yet

Real, like too much rain falling from the sky
Real, like the drought that came around here last July
It’s the damn old weevils and the market and the weeds
The prayer they prayed when they plant the seeds
And the chance they take to bring us our next meal
I call that real

Real, like a job you lose ‘cause it moves to Mexico
Like a momma and a baby with no safe place to go
Like a little dream house with a big old foreclosed sign
Like a flag draped coffin and a 21 gun goodbye
I call that real

Man I call that real
Oh I call that real

Day 212

Day 212 already. I can't believe we've made it this far. R&R seems like a far-off memory, and it seems like I'll never see my soldier again... but we finally have a date. Mind you, it's the first date. It will probably change 1293471990897462 times before he actually comes home... but it's something to look forward to until the next date comes along.
Words can not describe how proud I am of my husband, and myself. I never thought I could get through this. And now that we are in the final stretch my heart swells with pride. I can't wait for him to come home and us to move to KY and get our fresh start. :) He makes me happier than anyone could ever hope to make me.

Dear John

God, I hate how that sounds. Like it's a bad break up letter. Or it makes me think of that great book/awful Amanda Seyfreid movie. I hate her... her face looks funny to me. Not that that's important because you haven't seen the movie and you probably don't care.
So I'm up late tonight... I can't sleep. And I've been reading about this couple in the marines. Katie and Chad Wade. They have been together for over 2 years. Chad recently left for his second deployment. On December 1st, Katie got that well known often dreaded knock at the door. She's been blogging since before that knock, and she's blogging still. She's an inspiration to me. Herself and her husband, true heroes in my eyes.
It's funny how in the midst of a deployment, when you have so much other stuff on your mind you sometimes forget the risks the soldiers are taking. Sometimes the fact that I could lose you escapes my mind. I shouldn't let it. I shouldn't let my guard down.
I miss you... so much. I'm so blessed to be able to talk to you everyday when some wives go weeks, months without talking to their soldiers. If they ever talk to them again.
There's a lot in my life I have taken forgranted... you are definitely one of those things. I have been so lucky to have found my soul mate. To have had your child. To be your wife. I'm so lucky to wake up to you when you're home. To cuddle you at night. To cook your dinner. To clean up after you. I'm lucky to have everything I have with you. And I thank you for bringing me into your life. For being a part of mine.
I'm glad we both have taken the time to sit back and appreciate more of the little things. I'm glad we've been working on the little problems we've had in our marriage. I'm glad we've been making more plans about our future. I can't wait until you come home and we start our new life together in KY. When we're on a new base with a fresh start in life and in love.

It's been 208 days since this started. 60 days since I last saw you. Words can not express how much I wish you were here. But you are an amazing part of my life, whether near or far. And I'm so happy to have that. I'll see you soon baby. I know that. I love you. I can't wait until you're in my arms again.