Kitty Cats

I am surrounded by cats. It's the one constant in my life. No matter where I go I know I will be surrounded by kitties. I have three of my own, and since we're in Alabama at my dad's right now we're living with my dad's three as well. That's 6 cats in one house at this moment. Think that's a lot? Psh! We've had up to 27 in this house at one time. Yepp, that's me and my dad. The crazy fucking cat people. All joking aside, I think a cat is essential to a healthy lifestyle. Or a pet of some sort.

Originally I was a dog lover. I still love dogs. I just can't own them. A kid is enough work. A dog, is even more work (or equal work.) I mean, you always have to walk them. You always have to clean up their shit or step in it, because they never learn how to use a toilet. They can and will bark all hours of the night for any given reason no matter how many years of training you pay for. Children... they eventually grow out of all of these things. Dogs = a lot more work in the long run. And pretty damn expensive too. So yeah, I love dogs... I'm just not a dog owner.

Cats, those are more my style. Keep fresh food and water down. Scoop the litter once a day (if absolutely necessary,) change it once a week. Pet the kitty. Love the kitty. Simple.

My kitties have on many occasions helped me keep my sanity. They are crazy! They provide such entertainment. From chasing stupid shit, to playing with milk rings, to lord knows what, they make me laugh. They always snuggle when I need them too. And a kitty purr is the greatest sound to put me to sleep at night ever.

Some people hate cats. For one reason or another. And I don't blame that. Hate what you want. But me, I love my kitties. They are my saving grace. :) One day I'll have to post pictures and biographies.

Some days

Some days... I just feel numb. Living with bipolar disorder, or cyclothymia, or whatever the FUCK they are calling this shit that's wrong with my head is a constant everyday struggle. Some days, I wake up, and I feel like I just want to go back to sleep. I don't want to kill myself, I just want to die. I feel like if I never woke up, it would be okay. I have a lack of motivation to do anything. I don't want to get up, or get dressed, or shower, or smile, or laugh, or cry, or even think, because it all takes too much energy. It's not so much depression, because I'm not sad or depressed on those days... I'm just grey. Just lost. Like a shell of a person. Empty. A soulless human being. Some days, that's how I feel.

Other days... I'm black. I'm dark. That's the depression. The suicidal thoughts. The sadness. I don't want to do anything because all I want to do is wallow in self-pity and realize what a shit hole I live in and how it will never get better. I'm passive aggressive. I mentally and emotionally abuse myself. I treat myself like shit.

Then there are days that are white. Or I call them white. I'm high. It's an elated feeling. But high can be good or bad. I can go from happy to angry in point-zero-two seconds. I'm quick to swing into aggressiveness. My hormones rage. My sex drive is over the top. I'm energetic. I clean. I exercise. I laugh. I smile. But it's not true happiness. I haven't been truly happy in forever.

That is exactly how I described myself to my doctor a few weeks ago before they put me on this new medication. A few hours later... I found myself in the largest fight I've ever had with John. He said some of the most hurtful things he's ever said to me.
I told him when we first met... That I was damaged goods. That I had problems with bipolar. Hearing him say that to me... as though I hadn't warned him... as though he resented me. As though I was keeping him from the life he wanted. As though he didn't want to come home to me. I'm still having a hard time getting it out of my head. There was alcohol involved that night, and everything has been worked through, and apologized for... but that old statement "drunken words are sober thoughts"? Yeah... that's what kills me. That's why it keeps bugging me. Not that he was the only guilty party. Lord knows, there was a fire in my soul that night and I said my fair share of things that I didn't mean and that never should have come out of my mouth. So please, before anyone who reads this goes casting stones at him, remember I'm guilty in this too.

Things are going much better now. The medication I'm on is working very well and John and I are communicating well. I'm hoping things continue to keep getting better. For now... I find myself happy. Or at least I think I'm happy. I'm not sure. I haven't felt like this in a very very long time. Longer than I can truly remember. Longer than I care to admit honestly. And it's a nice feeling, so I hope it continues.

I want to thank anyone who has been there for me in the past few weeks. Those who said prayers, sent texts, checked up on me. I know I didn't tell you all what was going on... but this is what it was. So now you know. But thank you... for being there. All of you.

Updates!!

I'm in Alabama! I'm so excited to be home again and around my family and friends. So many people to see and things to do. Also things to update you on...

First off, my "Who's Who" page on my blog has been updated. A person has been edited, my Jessie has been added, and Kevin was removed. Why was he removed? Well.... honestly... I have put a lot of thought into this... Despite everything Kevin and I have been through and the great friend he has been to me and the great person he is, our friendship puts a strain on my marriage. John would never make me choose between himself and my friend, but I know our friendship makes him uncomfortable due to our past. I'm trying to put 100% into my marriage. So I don't need people around that put a strain on it like he does and we'll leave it at that as far as mentioning it on this blog goes.

Second, my anniversary is coming up! I'll have officially been married for 2 years on Friday. It's exciting. By the way take that bitches! (There's two of you, and chances are, you don't read this but if you ever did, you'd know who you were.)

Third, I'm adjusting really well to this new medication I'm on for my bipolar disorder. I'm really excited about it actually. I'm so proud of myself. :)

And now... I'm off to bed... because I totally forgot what I started writing this to talk about in the first place.

P.S. Amy, check your comments on your last blog post, and get up with me later. lol.

I want you to know Amy...

I hope you read this...

I write... to work through hurt. To work through pain. To work through emptiness and loneliness and my bipolar disorder and everything. I wrote everything I did when I lost you and when you pushed me away because I seriously felt that way at the time. Never knowing if you would truly read it or not, and honestly, I don't know if I cared if you did. The past year I have been a shell of a human and I'm working on that. The other night we talked about my bipolar and your situation and your life... and I felt closer to you than I have in a long time. I've been so excited about that night. I've been excited to get back here... excited to hopefully see you and spend some time with you. So if you went back and read anything that hurt you... I'm sorry. It may have been how I felt then, at that moment... but it's not how I feel now. I want to be there for you. I was before, I always have been if you needed me (you pushed me away, but I was still there) and I still am here. Don't keep pushing me away Amy. I don't want to lose my best friend again. I want our friendship back. I need it back. And I really think a large part of you does too.