It seems like the days are staring to go by so slowly... But we only have between 8 and 11 paychecks left. When we started we had roughly 24, so we're doing pretty good. I'm so excited for John to come home. I'm excited to move to KY. Maybe even start TTC by the end of the year. I don't know for sure. I just know I'm ready to keep going with this life we have.
In other news, it's been three months since I said goodbye to Allen. I miss him so much. I still have dreams about him, and nightmares about gunshots and tears. I think in March I'm going to finally visit his grave and wish him a happy birthday. I hope to have my tattoo by then... but who knows, I may even wait till his birthday for the tattoo. I dunno. I just wish this could be easier... I miss you Allen-bear! I love you!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Past ~ Korn
You chose to take
From the past
You want a game
That's built to last
Cause love without affection
Is hate without the pain
Life is a connection
Seperate from the brain
You chose to take
From the past
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything even you my friend
You wanna lay
In the past
You'll do anything
To make your pain last
Cause love without affection
Is hate without the pain
Life is a connection
Seperate from the brain
You just take
From the past
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything even you my friend
Run away, go away [x30]
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything with you my friend
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
Is this the end?
From the past
You want a game
That's built to last
Cause love without affection
Is hate without the pain
Life is a connection
Seperate from the brain
You chose to take
From the past
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything even you my friend
You wanna lay
In the past
You'll do anything
To make your pain last
Cause love without affection
Is hate without the pain
Life is a connection
Seperate from the brain
You just take
From the past
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything even you my friend
Run away, go away [x30]
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
I can't trust anything with you my friend
Can't you see the pain in my eyes?
Can't you see the betrayal in disguise?
I can't live with all your lies again
Is this the end?
Friday, January 14, 2011
To a Dear Old Friend
My best friend for years....
Now, due to a stupid fight over stupid shit... it's like you don't even exist. I can't see anything you've written on facebook because I've been blocked. I can't find you for that reason either. It's as though every single thing that happened was a dream. You're just... gone. And I still don't even understand what I did wrong.
I guess my best bet is to listen to John and everyone else and just let it go. Forget about it. Move on... but it feels so empty for your presence to be completely gone. According to them, with friends like you... who needs enemies. Maybe they are right.
Now, due to a stupid fight over stupid shit... it's like you don't even exist. I can't see anything you've written on facebook because I've been blocked. I can't find you for that reason either. It's as though every single thing that happened was a dream. You're just... gone. And I still don't even understand what I did wrong.
I guess my best bet is to listen to John and everyone else and just let it go. Forget about it. Move on... but it feels so empty for your presence to be completely gone. According to them, with friends like you... who needs enemies. Maybe they are right.
The truest thing I've heard in a while
I was in the car when a song came on the radio today and i have to share it. The song is called "Real" and it's by James Wesley
500 Channels and there ain’t much on tonight
But reality shows about some folks so called lives
A pretty girl cries cause she don’t get a rose
But she’ll find love next year on her own show
And they call that real
Real, is the hand you hold 57 years
Real, is a band of gold trembling with fear
And it’s the first long tear down an old man’s face
Watching his angel slipping away
His heart so broke, it’s never gonna heal
I call that real
Where I live, housewives don’t act like that
And the survivors are farmers in John Deere hats
Our Amazing race is beating the check
Praying that the bank ain’t ran it through yet
Real, like too much rain falling from the sky
Real, like the drought that came around here last July
It’s the damn old weevils and the market and the weeds
The prayer they prayed when they plant the seeds
And the chance they take to bring us our next meal
I call that real
Real, like a job you lose ‘cause it moves to Mexico
Like a momma and a baby with no safe place to go
Like a little dream house with a big old foreclosed sign
Like a flag draped coffin and a 21 gun goodbye
I call that real
Man I call that real
Oh I call that real
500 Channels and there ain’t much on tonight
But reality shows about some folks so called lives
A pretty girl cries cause she don’t get a rose
But she’ll find love next year on her own show
And they call that real
Real, is the hand you hold 57 years
Real, is a band of gold trembling with fear
And it’s the first long tear down an old man’s face
Watching his angel slipping away
His heart so broke, it’s never gonna heal
I call that real
Where I live, housewives don’t act like that
And the survivors are farmers in John Deere hats
Our Amazing race is beating the check
Praying that the bank ain’t ran it through yet
Real, like too much rain falling from the sky
Real, like the drought that came around here last July
It’s the damn old weevils and the market and the weeds
The prayer they prayed when they plant the seeds
And the chance they take to bring us our next meal
I call that real
Real, like a job you lose ‘cause it moves to Mexico
Like a momma and a baby with no safe place to go
Like a little dream house with a big old foreclosed sign
Like a flag draped coffin and a 21 gun goodbye
I call that real
Man I call that real
Oh I call that real
Friday, January 7, 2011
Day 212
Day 212 already. I can't believe we've made it this far. R&R seems like a far-off memory, and it seems like I'll never see my soldier again... but we finally have a date. Mind you, it's the first date. It will probably change 1293471990897462 times before he actually comes home... but it's something to look forward to until the next date comes along.
Words can not describe how proud I am of my husband, and myself. I never thought I could get through this. And now that we are in the final stretch my heart swells with pride. I can't wait for him to come home and us to move to KY and get our fresh start. :) He makes me happier than anyone could ever hope to make me.
Words can not describe how proud I am of my husband, and myself. I never thought I could get through this. And now that we are in the final stretch my heart swells with pride. I can't wait for him to come home and us to move to KY and get our fresh start. :) He makes me happier than anyone could ever hope to make me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dear John
God, I hate how that sounds. Like it's a bad break up letter. Or it makes me think of that great book/awful Amanda Seyfreid movie. I hate her... her face looks funny to me. Not that that's important because you haven't seen the movie and you probably don't care.
So I'm up late tonight... I can't sleep. And I've been reading about this couple in the marines. Katie and Chad Wade. They have been together for over 2 years. Chad recently left for his second deployment. On December 1st, Katie got that well known often dreaded knock at the door. She's been blogging since before that knock, and she's blogging still. She's an inspiration to me. Herself and her husband, true heroes in my eyes.
It's funny how in the midst of a deployment, when you have so much other stuff on your mind you sometimes forget the risks the soldiers are taking. Sometimes the fact that I could lose you escapes my mind. I shouldn't let it. I shouldn't let my guard down.
I miss you... so much. I'm so blessed to be able to talk to you everyday when some wives go weeks, months without talking to their soldiers. If they ever talk to them again.
There's a lot in my life I have taken forgranted... you are definitely one of those things. I have been so lucky to have found my soul mate. To have had your child. To be your wife. I'm so lucky to wake up to you when you're home. To cuddle you at night. To cook your dinner. To clean up after you. I'm lucky to have everything I have with you. And I thank you for bringing me into your life. For being a part of mine.
I'm glad we both have taken the time to sit back and appreciate more of the little things. I'm glad we've been working on the little problems we've had in our marriage. I'm glad we've been making more plans about our future. I can't wait until you come home and we start our new life together in KY. When we're on a new base with a fresh start in life and in love.
It's been 208 days since this started. 60 days since I last saw you. Words can not express how much I wish you were here. But you are an amazing part of my life, whether near or far. And I'm so happy to have that. I'll see you soon baby. I know that. I love you. I can't wait until you're in my arms again.
So I'm up late tonight... I can't sleep. And I've been reading about this couple in the marines. Katie and Chad Wade. They have been together for over 2 years. Chad recently left for his second deployment. On December 1st, Katie got that well known often dreaded knock at the door. She's been blogging since before that knock, and she's blogging still. She's an inspiration to me. Herself and her husband, true heroes in my eyes.
It's funny how in the midst of a deployment, when you have so much other stuff on your mind you sometimes forget the risks the soldiers are taking. Sometimes the fact that I could lose you escapes my mind. I shouldn't let it. I shouldn't let my guard down.
I miss you... so much. I'm so blessed to be able to talk to you everyday when some wives go weeks, months without talking to their soldiers. If they ever talk to them again.
There's a lot in my life I have taken forgranted... you are definitely one of those things. I have been so lucky to have found my soul mate. To have had your child. To be your wife. I'm so lucky to wake up to you when you're home. To cuddle you at night. To cook your dinner. To clean up after you. I'm lucky to have everything I have with you. And I thank you for bringing me into your life. For being a part of mine.
I'm glad we both have taken the time to sit back and appreciate more of the little things. I'm glad we've been working on the little problems we've had in our marriage. I'm glad we've been making more plans about our future. I can't wait until you come home and we start our new life together in KY. When we're on a new base with a fresh start in life and in love.
It's been 208 days since this started. 60 days since I last saw you. Words can not express how much I wish you were here. But you are an amazing part of my life, whether near or far. And I'm so happy to have that. I'll see you soon baby. I know that. I love you. I can't wait until you're in my arms again.
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